Energy

October 14, 2006 at 3:46 am (Drama, MFA, Writing)

So, yesterday I got a good dose of “shut-the-fuck-up”.

I took down a previous post because it turned out not to be true. Said individual is turning in work. I still don’t like said-individual’s comments, but there’s mud on my face there.

I also realized that I spent so much energy hatin’ that I forgot to spend it on anything else. Bad energy, whether your own or someone else’s, is like a vortex. It sucks you in and you implode.

I imploded and exploded last night, if that’s possible. During workshop, where I turned in a piece that I was so scared about and it got a fairly favorable review and some constructive help, I thought my head was going to explode.

Day 15 of the never-ending panic attack culminated in class as I gulped migraine meds that contain an anti-anxiety element hoping to stave it off. Apparently my hands were shaking badly; all I knew was that my heart felt like it was going to pop out of my ribcage and my head was going to explode.

After class headed out and yammered till my mouth went dry and talked far too much shit after far too many pints, and prayed that some of the booze would at least put me to sleep or slow down my heart. It did neither. I’ve never had a panic attack while drunk and honestly, it sucked. Also, funny thing, when I drink too much, I can’t sleep. I had a headache right between the eyes this morning, like Paul Bunyan was chopping wood right between my eyes.

Had an appt. with the shrink. Had an appointment with my naturopathic physician. Cranio-sacral is just about the best thing ever; I completely calmed down, at least for now. Spent tonight writing and revising.

I’m so all over the place right now. I get so caught up in the bullshit when I can’t even deal with my own shit, and then it all spirals out of control. My body is just now beginning to react to all of the past two months, now that it feels like it can. Delayed reaction.