The Fifth Chakra

Three years ago, I searched everywhere online to find some sort of “how-to” or a support group of sorts for prospective-MFAs.  (That’s how I met jadepark, via her blog!)  I wanted someone to show me the answers to questions I didn’t even know how to ask.  I felt like I wanted to vomit all the time as I waited for notification on programs.  I wanted someone to tell me “yes!  this is the right program for you!”

Three years ago I wept over dinner with the BF (whom I had just started dating) because I had just gotten two, mean-as-hell rejection letters from what I viewed as my last two chances to get to NYC.

It was never that easy.

Sites like these, when I was first made aware of them, seemed like a godsend.   I wish I had those!  I thought at first.  Lately, however, after lurking around them, I am ambivalent.  I see much of the “why do you need an MFA?” nay-sayers.  I see a lot of people who are lured in by rankings and “big names”.  I see a lot of people who think that being in an MFA program will solve all their writing problems.  I read from other current students who are unhappy or have completely different views of the same program I’m in.  I think of the majority of my program and realize 1) I don’t know those students and 2) I don’t particularly want to.

And I volunteer my email and suggest people talk to me, or other current students, to see what the program is like.  And I suggest they call the programs directly–not admissions, not financial aid–to talk to the profs and students.  And some people have gotten in touch with me–some of whom are straight out of college and some of whom are older.

I have a lot of trouble relating to the BA-in-hand ones.  I don’t know what to tell them about getting all new friends or whether the program will get their book published.  I know nothing about either situation.  I don’t really care.

Yet all of the venting–from a justifiably frustrating process–saddens me.  It is a horrible process, as is the thought of spending a shitload of money on a “worthless” degree.  I’m feeling that more than ever since I am staring down the possibility of a year (or more!) of adjunct positions in area schools.

And yet, I did what I needed to do.  I know the people I am supposed to know and thankful for them again and again.  I just want to scream GUYS!  IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!

Which, is probably sage advice I should take myself now and again.

I wish all the people going through the application process the best and hope you go with your gut and end up where you are meant to be.

(PS.  BF is doing great.  And I am so relieved and happy about it, as is he, and I feel like I can start writing again.)