The Fifth Chakra

I haven’t been keeping up much here, mainly because I’ve been putting my energies into grading and writing (and a helluva lot of baking too). But, I think a followup is needed to the last post, on hitting my stride.

In the past week, I received word that I was accepted to both of the writers’ conferences I applied to. It has given me such a confidence boost; it’s outside validation that i’m not a total fraud. I think I realized that last night, even before I knew I had gotten into the second conf.

I met with my thesis advisor earlier in the day. I have a due date–APRIL 20. A chunk of a draft of a novel is due on April 20. I have two months. And this makes me so happy for some reason, that I’m somehow more of a real writer because of this. And then, my first story of the term was workshopped last night. GREAT workshop, btw–very helpful. Only thing is, the last few times I’ve been workshopped, I’ve had full-fledged panic attacks during them. Having others critique your work, even on a good day, is difficult enough. So I went to my prof and told her exactly what I was afraid of, and asked if I could go first to get it down with. She was wonderful (because she always is), and said that was fine, and to feel free to just walk out if I needed air, that she would cover for me.

And, of course, because I called my panic on it’s on little game, it didn’t happen. It felt really good.

I finally believe I’m a writer. I don’t know why I didn’t fully believe that before, but all this good news and good progress towards something feels so right. I think every writer–as well as ever teacher–often questions whether she is a fraud. And today, at least, I’m not questioning.